Executive Summary
Literary criticism doesn't normally read like a technical manual, but I've decided to take pity on everyone. If you don't want to read all of my insightful commentary, I'll give you the simplified version.
1. Bella's survival depends upon Edward's self control. Naturally she spends most of her time trying to undermine his self control.
2. Their romance is based on shallow interests--and even those will disappear once Bella becomes a vampire.
3. How is a vampire in a romantic setting supposed to, um, you know, function? I get more explicit below, but I don't have a good answer. I suspect there isn't one.
4. Twilight is the beginning of the end for vampires. Bella and all her ilk will fade--not with a bang, but a whimper.
Introduction
Warning: This post contains Twilight spoilers. If you're one of the few people on the planet who 1) hasn't already read the series, 2) hasn't watched any of the movies, 3) hasn't picked up any major plot points just from walking past the movie aisle at Walmart, but who 4) still intends to read the books someday, let me reassure you: Twilight is impossible to spoil. You may fall in love with the "romance" of it all, in which case you will ignore all criticisms of its message and merit. Or you will love to loathe its insipid characters and gaping plot holes. Either way, knowing the outcome of the story will have little effect on the outcome of your opinion.
A few months ago, I was in a grocery store late at night. An employee asked if I was there for the Twilight release. Normally I would choose to be flattered that I looked young enough to get asked that question. In this case, I was annoyed that I looked immature enough to get asked that question. "Ugh," I shuddered. "Don't get me started." Nobly restraining myself from ranting further, I purchased my unromantic milk, bread, and diapers, and then fled.
I'm finally ready to publish the rant. If I'd wanted it to do any good, I should have gone public years ago. I console myself with the thought that it wouldn't have done any good.
Unrealistic Roles
Bella is a bad role model for girls. She's weak, clingy, indecisive, and destructive. "My boyfriend dumped me and I'm too stupid to see that he did it to "protect" me, and now my life is over. I will stumble around like a zombie for months, emotionally empty without a man to 'complete' me." (And what was her father thinking, by the way? Don't you think he should have insisted that she get some counseling after three weeks in a major depression, not merely suggested it after waiting three months?)
Even when she's not depressed, Bella has a death wish. She wanders off into the woods with a strange vampire and no backup. After they're dating, she begs him to have sex with her even though he resists the idea. Bella--honey--your survival depends upon his self control. Don't run around trying to undermine his self control. Ever hear of double dating? Might keep you out of all kinds of trouble, like getting your heart broken (and then drained of every last drop of delicious blood) by a bad boy.
I could rant for pages about the "good girl saving the bad boy" theme. (Except she doesn't.) Or about her dysfunctional mixed messages with Jacob. All the feminist and literary and scientific criticisms in that vein have already been drunk dry by academic vampires, though. I have but two overarching complaints to add about romance and reproduction.
"Real" Romance
I've heard horror stories--lots of them--about a young twentyish mother of two looking at her husband and saying "I think you just don't love me the same way Edward loves Bella." Okay, now, I can understand a sixteen-year-old girl having completly unrealistic expectations about Romance and Marriage. But, come on! An adult? "I know you work a full time job and are also taking night classes to support your family and even build a better future for us, but if only you were tempted to murder me every day and yet nobly refrained..."
Right, I just got it. She's trying to drive her husband crazy until he's tempted to murder her every day but nobly refrains. Well played, crazy passive aggressive woman, well played.
Let's just see what this amazing relationship between Bella and Edward is built on, hmm? Through the first three books, we see him say the following things about why he loves her:
1. She smells delectable. Her blood has the most amazing aroma...
2. She's klutzy. He loves watching her trip and fall.
3. She blushes. He adores teasing her and embarrassing her slightly just to watch the rosy hue creep up her neck and cheek. (Probably this redistribution of blood makes her smell even more amazing when he's kissing her.)
4. She admires him. He has godlike reflexes and invulnerability. He carts her frail mortal frame through forests at super speeds. In his arms, she feels like she's flying as he gazes up at his handsome face, his sickly pallor. He sees his own deep, sunken eyes reflected in her own. (Although hers don't look like a raccoon with allergies and an abusive mate.)
5. He likes watching her eat. He experiences the pleasures of a balanced diet vicariously through her.
4. ... Um, that's it. I refuse to scour the entire series again looking for extra compliments, but I don't recall a single moment when he looks at her and says "I enjoy debating international politics with you!"
In other words, they don't have anything substantive in common. It's all adolescent hormones; it's not real. He'd probably get bored with it all after a few years, the same way he got bored of high school. And college. Oh, and being a serial killer.
Even further--think about this for a minute, Bella! If you become a vampire, none of the above will still apply. You will no longer smell like a chocolate brownie to him. You will no longer be capable of blushing. No more klutziness--you'll have the same godlike reflexes and invulnerability he does. Oh, and you won't be eating anything except cute furry animals. (Unless you cheat on your diet, but you'd keep the occasional human snack a naughty secret.) Anyway, he won't be getting a kick out of watching you polish off an apple. Or an apple pie.
Sounds like a great basis for a marriage! I know most of these high school romances last sixty years, but in your case, I'm sure it will last six hundred!
And, speaking of marriage, we hit my other huge gripe.
Reproduction
Never mind the whole vague "chromosomes" explanation for how humans and vampires can interbreed and create a hybrid who can then interbreed with a werewolf. Never mind Mary Robinette Kowal's insightful question: if vampires can breed with humans, and if they have no natural predators, why haven't they overrun the Earth? If they have godlike powers and have been at this for a few thousand years, why aren't humans raised on ranches? Oh, but this is adolescent fantasy, not hard science fiction. I should quit quibbling.
Let's just focus on the romance, which in teen literature these days is equivalent to sex.
Right, the "sex." See, I have a really stupid question. Let's see if I can ask this delicately. How is Edward supposed to, um, you know, function? Seriously, am I the first person to ask this question? We don't want our preteen daughters to read this book, but if they do, we prefer they be innocent about the sordid mechanics of mating. But surely someone with a little experience would stop to question this gaping plot hole.
Never mind, forget the delicacy. Edward may have self control, but I can't contain my explicit criticism any longer. HOW THE HECK IS A GUY WITHOUT BLOOD SUPPOSED TO GET AN ERECTION?
(Now I'm blushing worse than Bella, but I feel so much better with that out of my system.)
Story and Backstory
I read the first novel because of a book club I was in. It sounded silly, but I was willing to go along and see what all the hype was about.
The first half of the first book was good. I kept thinking the author was setting up some beautiful allegory about Eve and Eden and innocence. I liked Bella's independence and confidence. Here was a girl who took Calculus, who balanced responsibility (to her family) and what she wanted (for herself) against silly expectations (like playing the "popular" game with her peers).
The scene were she turns down several invitations to a dance in a row? Glory! She embraced her klutziness as part of her identity, neither apologizing for it nor over-compensating for it. She didn't obsess about her own appearance. "I don't dance," she shrugged, and chose to be amused at the high school dating game, unconcerned about her long term prospects for popularity and romance.
"I like this girl!" I thought, and kept reading, waiting for the big payoff. How would the hints of Edenic allegory play out? Apples, innocence, immortality, knowledge of good and evil, human and vampire souls, choice and consequence, all woven into a subtle theme of forbidden fruit?
Was Bella part vampire? Why else would she be able to block Edward's telepathy, why else would Meyer mention her pallor repeatedly?
Sure she was an absolute idiot to go off into the woods with Edward sans backup plan. But she was also a teen-age girl, so that was in character. Too trusting, wooed by the romantic thrill of danger, wanting to "tame" a "bad boy"--yup, quintessential adolescent naivete. As long as she learned from her mistakes and grew as a character by the end of the novel...
...Except she didn't. Halfway through, things deteriorated. Bella behaved more and more irrationally. She threw herself into danger and then waited to be rescued. (Didn't stories start to move beyond that stale stereotype two decades ago?) Edward managed to control his instincts and do the right thing, but that was a triumph of his character, not Bella's. The Biblical Eve was an agent of change. She may have erred, but she acted. Bella just...lay there.
The big payoff of allegory just...fizzled. Nothing there.
I read the other books for similar reasons. I was in a book club, I was curious. I figured this series was silly but harmless.
If only they'd been real, I could have smacked each character. Hard. Repeatedly. So much for harmless: my ground teeth will never be the same.
Edward--make up your mind. Jacob--move on, honey. Dad--man up. Be a parent! Bella--do something, anything, proactive. Please. Come on people, do you seriously need four books for this soap opera?
Of course not. Obviously, you need five movies, too.
Conclusion
Now, see, that wasn't so painful. If you already loved the books, you didn't bother reading my rant. If you already loathed them, you agreed with me. If you haven't read them yet, crawl back in your cave now. There's still time.
If you can think of any other insightful criticisms to add, feel free.
While you're working on that, I'll be writing a fan fiction sequel set six hundred years in the future. After squabbling for a few centuries, Edward and Bella have gotten divorced. Edward travels around the world, trying to market his latest attempt at palatable artificial blood to the vampire community. It flops. Discouraged, takes a break from bioengineering and heads to Mars to pursue post graduate studies in physics.
Bella tries halfheartedly to commit suicide a few times. She fails. (She's mostly invulnerable and very irresolute.) Their kid, who has been widowed for 9/10ths of her life, moves back in with the still emotionally needy Bella. Mother and daughter sit on the porch every evening, sipping their beverages (Edward's last try at "vanilla mint julep" artificial blood) and wincing at the flavor. "It's like calling spam ham," sighs Bella, "But it's a shame your father couldn't convince anyone else to use it, even if it does leave an aftertaste of cleaning chemicals." As the sun sinks below the horizon, they reminisce about the good old days.
It is die Götterdämmerung--the "Twilight" of the Gods.
Literary criticism doesn't normally read like a technical manual, but I've decided to take pity on everyone. If you don't want to read all of my insightful commentary, I'll give you the simplified version.
1. Bella's survival depends upon Edward's self control. Naturally she spends most of her time trying to undermine his self control.
2. Their romance is based on shallow interests--and even those will disappear once Bella becomes a vampire.
3. How is a vampire in a romantic setting supposed to, um, you know, function? I get more explicit below, but I don't have a good answer. I suspect there isn't one.
4. Twilight is the beginning of the end for vampires. Bella and all her ilk will fade--not with a bang, but a whimper.
Introduction
Warning: This post contains Twilight spoilers. If you're one of the few people on the planet who 1) hasn't already read the series, 2) hasn't watched any of the movies, 3) hasn't picked up any major plot points just from walking past the movie aisle at Walmart, but who 4) still intends to read the books someday, let me reassure you: Twilight is impossible to spoil. You may fall in love with the "romance" of it all, in which case you will ignore all criticisms of its message and merit. Or you will love to loathe its insipid characters and gaping plot holes. Either way, knowing the outcome of the story will have little effect on the outcome of your opinion.
A few months ago, I was in a grocery store late at night. An employee asked if I was there for the Twilight release. Normally I would choose to be flattered that I looked young enough to get asked that question. In this case, I was annoyed that I looked immature enough to get asked that question. "Ugh," I shuddered. "Don't get me started." Nobly restraining myself from ranting further, I purchased my unromantic milk, bread, and diapers, and then fled.
I'm finally ready to publish the rant. If I'd wanted it to do any good, I should have gone public years ago. I console myself with the thought that it wouldn't have done any good.
Unrealistic Roles
Bella is a bad role model for girls. She's weak, clingy, indecisive, and destructive. "My boyfriend dumped me and I'm too stupid to see that he did it to "protect" me, and now my life is over. I will stumble around like a zombie for months, emotionally empty without a man to 'complete' me." (And what was her father thinking, by the way? Don't you think he should have insisted that she get some counseling after three weeks in a major depression, not merely suggested it after waiting three months?)
Even when she's not depressed, Bella has a death wish. She wanders off into the woods with a strange vampire and no backup. After they're dating, she begs him to have sex with her even though he resists the idea. Bella--honey--your survival depends upon his self control. Don't run around trying to undermine his self control. Ever hear of double dating? Might keep you out of all kinds of trouble, like getting your heart broken (and then drained of every last drop of delicious blood) by a bad boy.
I could rant for pages about the "good girl saving the bad boy" theme. (Except she doesn't.) Or about her dysfunctional mixed messages with Jacob. All the feminist and literary and scientific criticisms in that vein have already been drunk dry by academic vampires, though. I have but two overarching complaints to add about romance and reproduction.
"Real" Romance
I've heard horror stories--lots of them--about a young twentyish mother of two looking at her husband and saying "I think you just don't love me the same way Edward loves Bella." Okay, now, I can understand a sixteen-year-old girl having completly unrealistic expectations about Romance and Marriage. But, come on! An adult? "I know you work a full time job and are also taking night classes to support your family and even build a better future for us, but if only you were tempted to murder me every day and yet nobly refrained..."
Right, I just got it. She's trying to drive her husband crazy until he's tempted to murder her every day but nobly refrains. Well played, crazy passive aggressive woman, well played.
Let's just see what this amazing relationship between Bella and Edward is built on, hmm? Through the first three books, we see him say the following things about why he loves her:
1. She smells delectable. Her blood has the most amazing aroma...
2. She's klutzy. He loves watching her trip and fall.
3. She blushes. He adores teasing her and embarrassing her slightly just to watch the rosy hue creep up her neck and cheek. (Probably this redistribution of blood makes her smell even more amazing when he's kissing her.)
4. She admires him. He has godlike reflexes and invulnerability. He carts her frail mortal frame through forests at super speeds. In his arms, she feels like she's flying as he gazes up at his handsome face, his sickly pallor. He sees his own deep, sunken eyes reflected in her own. (Although hers don't look like a raccoon with allergies and an abusive mate.)
5. He likes watching her eat. He experiences the pleasures of a balanced diet vicariously through her.
4. ... Um, that's it. I refuse to scour the entire series again looking for extra compliments, but I don't recall a single moment when he looks at her and says "I enjoy debating international politics with you!"
In other words, they don't have anything substantive in common. It's all adolescent hormones; it's not real. He'd probably get bored with it all after a few years, the same way he got bored of high school. And college. Oh, and being a serial killer.
Even further--think about this for a minute, Bella! If you become a vampire, none of the above will still apply. You will no longer smell like a chocolate brownie to him. You will no longer be capable of blushing. No more klutziness--you'll have the same godlike reflexes and invulnerability he does. Oh, and you won't be eating anything except cute furry animals. (Unless you cheat on your diet, but you'd keep the occasional human snack a naughty secret.) Anyway, he won't be getting a kick out of watching you polish off an apple. Or an apple pie.
Sounds like a great basis for a marriage! I know most of these high school romances last sixty years, but in your case, I'm sure it will last six hundred!
And, speaking of marriage, we hit my other huge gripe.
Reproduction
Never mind the whole vague "chromosomes" explanation for how humans and vampires can interbreed and create a hybrid who can then interbreed with a werewolf. Never mind Mary Robinette Kowal's insightful question: if vampires can breed with humans, and if they have no natural predators, why haven't they overrun the Earth? If they have godlike powers and have been at this for a few thousand years, why aren't humans raised on ranches? Oh, but this is adolescent fantasy, not hard science fiction. I should quit quibbling.
Let's just focus on the romance, which in teen literature these days is equivalent to sex.
Right, the "sex." See, I have a really stupid question. Let's see if I can ask this delicately. How is Edward supposed to, um, you know, function? Seriously, am I the first person to ask this question? We don't want our preteen daughters to read this book, but if they do, we prefer they be innocent about the sordid mechanics of mating. But surely someone with a little experience would stop to question this gaping plot hole.
Never mind, forget the delicacy. Edward may have self control, but I can't contain my explicit criticism any longer. HOW THE HECK IS A GUY WITHOUT BLOOD SUPPOSED TO GET AN ERECTION?
(Now I'm blushing worse than Bella, but I feel so much better with that out of my system.)
Story and Backstory
I read the first novel because of a book club I was in. It sounded silly, but I was willing to go along and see what all the hype was about.
The first half of the first book was good. I kept thinking the author was setting up some beautiful allegory about Eve and Eden and innocence. I liked Bella's independence and confidence. Here was a girl who took Calculus, who balanced responsibility (to her family) and what she wanted (for herself) against silly expectations (like playing the "popular" game with her peers).
The scene were she turns down several invitations to a dance in a row? Glory! She embraced her klutziness as part of her identity, neither apologizing for it nor over-compensating for it. She didn't obsess about her own appearance. "I don't dance," she shrugged, and chose to be amused at the high school dating game, unconcerned about her long term prospects for popularity and romance.
"I like this girl!" I thought, and kept reading, waiting for the big payoff. How would the hints of Edenic allegory play out? Apples, innocence, immortality, knowledge of good and evil, human and vampire souls, choice and consequence, all woven into a subtle theme of forbidden fruit?
Was Bella part vampire? Why else would she be able to block Edward's telepathy, why else would Meyer mention her pallor repeatedly?
Sure she was an absolute idiot to go off into the woods with Edward sans backup plan. But she was also a teen-age girl, so that was in character. Too trusting, wooed by the romantic thrill of danger, wanting to "tame" a "bad boy"--yup, quintessential adolescent naivete. As long as she learned from her mistakes and grew as a character by the end of the novel...
...Except she didn't. Halfway through, things deteriorated. Bella behaved more and more irrationally. She threw herself into danger and then waited to be rescued. (Didn't stories start to move beyond that stale stereotype two decades ago?) Edward managed to control his instincts and do the right thing, but that was a triumph of his character, not Bella's. The Biblical Eve was an agent of change. She may have erred, but she acted. Bella just...lay there.
The big payoff of allegory just...fizzled. Nothing there.
I read the other books for similar reasons. I was in a book club, I was curious. I figured this series was silly but harmless.
If only they'd been real, I could have smacked each character. Hard. Repeatedly. So much for harmless: my ground teeth will never be the same.
Edward--make up your mind. Jacob--move on, honey. Dad--man up. Be a parent! Bella--do something, anything, proactive. Please. Come on people, do you seriously need four books for this soap opera?
Of course not. Obviously, you need five movies, too.
Conclusion
Now, see, that wasn't so painful. If you already loved the books, you didn't bother reading my rant. If you already loathed them, you agreed with me. If you haven't read them yet, crawl back in your cave now. There's still time.
If you can think of any other insightful criticisms to add, feel free.
While you're working on that, I'll be writing a fan fiction sequel set six hundred years in the future. After squabbling for a few centuries, Edward and Bella have gotten divorced. Edward travels around the world, trying to market his latest attempt at palatable artificial blood to the vampire community. It flops. Discouraged, takes a break from bioengineering and heads to Mars to pursue post graduate studies in physics.
Bella tries halfheartedly to commit suicide a few times. She fails. (She's mostly invulnerable and very irresolute.) Their kid, who has been widowed for 9/10ths of her life, moves back in with the still emotionally needy Bella. Mother and daughter sit on the porch every evening, sipping their beverages (Edward's last try at "vanilla mint julep" artificial blood) and wincing at the flavor. "It's like calling spam ham," sighs Bella, "But it's a shame your father couldn't convince anyone else to use it, even if it does leave an aftertaste of cleaning chemicals." As the sun sinks below the horizon, they reminisce about the good old days.
It is die Götterdämmerung--the "Twilight" of the Gods.
